How Did I Get Here?
by Fianna
Summary: RENT. Short reflection from Benny's POV - post RENT. I wrote this in 30 minutes or so. :) I hope you like it!


How did I get here? I heard Mark say that once and it really stuck in my head. I guess a lot of people wonder how we get where we are. I wonder how I ended up like I did. It doesn't matter how much I try to cover it up and ignore it, the fact remains that I basically have no friends. Am I a bad person? Is that why? Last year Roger asked, "What's happened to Benny's heart and the ideals he once pursued?" I shrugged it off then, but it hurt. They used to be my best friends. Now they hate me. They all hate me. Even Mimi. Especially Mimi. But dammit, nothing that happened between us was my fault. So we dated. What's wrong with that? It was only for a couple of months and anyway, she was 19. Hardly a kid. Then she makes it look like I was sleeping around. She knew I had a wife. I'm not denying that I cheated on Alison, but Alison was cheating on me too. Mimi told everyone I cheated on her. Nobody ever thought it could be the other way around. Nobody even considered that Mimi was being unfaithful to me. Of course not. Because hey, I'm Benny.   
  
What happened to me? Was it success? Be careful what you wish for... I always thought that saying was crap. I mean, I never imagined my life COULD get any worse. I was sharing the loft with Roger, Collins, Mark and his girlfriend Maureen. We were all good friends, you know? The forever kind, the kind that only exist on TV. We were all poor but we were young and we loved life. Especially Maureen... Okay, so I'll admit there were times when I was tempted to screw around with Maureen behind Mark's back, but I never did. I was a good guy, you see? And it wasn't like she wasn't interested. Oh, I know she'd deny it now, but she definitely used to flirt with me. So. We were all living happily ever after. Then Collins found out he had AIDS. That was the only time I've ever seen him cry. Well, that and Angel's funeral. But he refused to let it beat him. He never changed. He was always this fun, caring guy. Everything was always okay so long as Collins was around. After that we all became even closer. Then Maureen decided she'd had enough of us. She dumped Mark and moved out because she didn't like living so close to him any more. Well, it was no wonder. The poor guy was torn between killing her or bursting into tears. They got back together eventually, though - they always did. Then Collins decided he had to get away for awhile and there was just three of us left.  
  
Mark, Roger and I were so close. We got along really well. Roger was into music, Mark was into film and I was into digital stuff. We had this idea that we'd start a business where we could all do what we wanted and get paid for it. We'd even given it a name - Cyber Arts. Back then, the internet wasn't even a reality. We were going to make computer programs and computer games. Mark was going to shoot some footage and help with visuals, Roger was going to do the music. I was going to put it all together. We had it all planned out. Then I met Alison. I saw right away that her family could fund our company. If our dream was ever going to be a reality, this was it. I dated her for awhile, then we got married. So I moved out of the loft and we got a place in the East Village. I bought Mark and Roger's building around then, and the lot next door. I figured the cyber studio ought to be based where it was first created. I told Mark and Roger they didn't have to pay me rent, of course. They were my friends, I didn't want to do that. Besides, I didn't need the money. But they never thanked me. They never seemed the least bit grateful. I think they resented the fact that I'd married Alison. Maybe they were even jealous of the money I had.  
  
I'm no saint. I did cheat on Alison with Mimi. But, like I said, it was only for a couple of months. Then I found out later Mimi was seeing Roger and I tried to get her to sleep with me again. I know I shouldn't have done that, and I certainly shouldn't have let her cheat on Roger with me. I mean, he used to be my best friend. But after I married Alison, Roger and Mark stopped returning my phone calls. Collins wouldn't talk to me either, or Maureen. Roger even told me that Cyber Arts was a stupid idea and I was wasting my time. I couldn't believe it. After everything I'd done to bring our dream to life they were abandoning me. I was determined to keep going regardless. I thought maybe they'd change their minds once Cyber Arts was up and running. They shut me out. They all figured I thought I was too good for them. They'll tell you I turned into a prick, well maybe it was their fault. How was I supposed to like them when they kept turning me away?  
  
I was nice to them. Okay, so I asked Roger and Mark for rent, but I didn't really want them to pay. I didn't expect them to. I did it because I didn't want Maureen to stage her protest. I should have known that wouldn't stop her. But I still didn't demand the rent from them. Of course I wasn't friendly at the Life Café. I was with Mr Grey, trying to salvage our deal. Maureen shattered the dream Mark, Roger and I shared and then made me look like the unreasonable one. I think what hurt the most was that Roger and Mark agreed with her. On New Year's Eve, I tried to end the war with them only to have it thrown back in my face. Mimi DID come to see me and she WAS on her way to work. When she and Roger both called me a liar I lost it. Even Roger didn't believe me. So I started to stir up trouble between them and made it look like she'd slept with me to get the loft back. She didn't. When Angel died I paid for his funeral. I didn't even know him - they wouldn't let me know him. Or her, I should say. But I knew Collins loved him, they all did. So I paid, because they used to be my friends and I wanted to help. Collins and I went and got drunk after that, and foolishly I thought maybe things would go back to normal. But they didn't. Everyone was slightly nicer to me then, but I knew I'd never be part of the group again. They didn't want me. I know it didn't help that I got back together with Mimi, but it's not like you think. I didn't touch her. I could see she was really missing Roger. I would have talked to him if he'd listened. I knew she didn't need to be with me and I care about her so I left her alone. I went out with her, I walked with her, I listened and tried to sort out her life with her. Do you think she ever told the others that? Hell, no. They probably think I had a threesome with her and Alison every fucking night. I even offered to pay for a rehab clinic, but she wouldn't go. Then she got back with Roger and I was happy for her. I was happy for both of them.  
  
How DID I get here? I don't know. I wish I could turn back the clock and go back to a time when I was happy. But this is my life, and I have to deal with it.  



End file.
